Setting: Castle Fitch in Hollidaysburg
The Time: The year 10,191, when the entire Known Universe is ruled by the evil Lord Shrub, the 2nd.
The
Cast:
v Lady Diane, the mother of Lord Andros, and lord Cristos; aunt of Lord Carlos.
v Lord Andros (high minstrel)
v Lord Cristos (high scribe)
v Lord Carlos, the Unwashed
v Sir David, Man-at-arms; First Wingman
Sir David, garbed in the uniform of an aerial warship
officer, bumps Lord Carlos into the Castle hall.
Sir David (After kicking Lord Carlos a few times, bows and speaks): “My Lady, I have found the fount of the putrid stench which has sickened our lands.”
Lady Diane: “Speak only the truth!”
Sir David: “It is
Lord Carlos who befouls the fair kingdom.”
Lady Diane: “I see the truth of it now – and smell the
truth of it as well!”
Lord Cristos (breaking in): “Mother, tis true. His hindquarters are rife with pustulance.”
Lord Andros: “My brother speaks but the truth, and not with ill-will. Mine own eyes have beheld the rancid rags with which he bedecks himself.”
Sir David: “Another word – if it doth please my Lady. I have indeed confirmed with these eyes – these eyes – that Lord Carlos is the ‘floating fat man’ that has engendered such terror in your fiefs and esnes. Even the sheep, in horror, birth their lambkins afore their time.”
Lady Diane (a bit puzzled): If Lord Carlos doth indeed be the ‘floating fat man’, pray tell, what manner of Sinister Artifice allows my nephew to ascend and remain aloft?”
Sir David (chuckling): “My Lady, his ass-end is entirely apt. My minions all cogitate that it is his excessive flatulence coupled with the vile and rancid nature of his undergarments. By these two means, he is borne aloft.”
Lord Carlos (blubbering): “Lady Aunt, Your two sons and minion – Sir David – are plotting to remove my raiment. My dress slacks and once-white t-shirt are dear to me. I have worn them without a-washing yea these many days.”
Lady Diane: “Let us not mince words, nephew. Do you or do you not have skid marks on thing undergarments?”
Lord Carlos (mutters indistinctly): “Arshh uffff.”
Lord Andros: “Sir David, I ask of thee: remove his pants that have become enriched with foulness.”
Sir David: “Nay my Lord: No glove could so protect my hands from such corruption!”
Lord Andros : That is a fearsome problem, my ally. My solution is to burn the pestilential clothing – these tatters rags – along with my cousin.”
Lord Cristos : “I agree, verily, my brother. It shall be two birds with one stone – or one pyre, as the Case maybe.”
Sir David: “The repugnant stench shall depart the kingdom and sweet breezes shall return. What say you, my Lady?”
Lady Diane: I’d say you’ve been reading too many Shakespearian knock-offs. However, I must agree with you and boys.”
Lord Carlos (whining): What will my Lady mother, the Witch of Washington, say when she learns of my ignominious demise at your hands?”
Lady Diane: “My thought is that she will call for Festival.”
Lord Cristos, Lord Andros, Sir David (in unison): “Festival! Festival!”
Lord Cristos (to
Lord Andros: “I wait breathless for that moment to manifest” (Then to Lady Diane): “Mother, shall he not be bathed before the purification of fire, so that his taint shall be lessened?”
Lord Carlos (blubbering): “Aryggh! Oof! Nay!”
Lord Cristos (to Carlos): “Shut your speaking! My brother says aright, lest Your pestilence be spread further by Your funeral ashes.”
Lady Diane (to Cristos and Andros, fondly): “ I raised you two boys well. Go, Ardros Cristos, and Sir David. Go and see to his scrub and then to his stake!”
Lord Carlos (struggling against Lord Andros and Sir David): “Don’t I even get a Last Meal? What about a London Broil or a stuffed Lobster? What about a pumpkin pie with whipped crème?”
Lady Diane (dismissively): “It’s better you die like this than in the innards of a worm!’
Lord Carlos: “Aieee!”