The Ex-Libris Gazette

Volume 48. Edition 35

Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!

Available by Whirligig!


The Liberal Reform Movement of the Scaxathrom Church formally announced today that they are shifting allegiance from Scaxathrom to Scorganna. “It only makes sense,” said Mementh Yaska, high priest of the LRM branch of
the Scaxathromites. “Scorganna is a goddess of snakes and wisdom, and she restored our spellcasting powers without us even petitioning her to do so.” They mayor of Cape North declared a new annual holiday called Enlightenment Day, to commemorate the city turning away from the evil god of vipers and summoning and instead embracing a snake goddess that doesn’t
require human sacrifice, Undeadry, or demonism. “Snakes get a bad rap,” Mementh Yaska added. “But I’d prefer snakes to disease-carrying vermin any day of the week!” Scyral Tekka, leader of the Old Line Scaxathromites, was less than pleased by this announcement. “Who is this Scorganna that she should sway the weak to her path?!” The Scaxathromite leader asked
vehemently. “The true Lord of Vipers will punish all those who claim fealty to this false, outsider god, and I shall be the instrument of that punishment!”
In related news, Scyral Tekka’s day went from bad to worse when his Nexus spies confirmed beyond all doubt that the Sarcophka Cult has indeed suddenly gained an alarming amount of spellcasting powers. “You have not seen death, disease, and desolation until you’ve seen what Sarcophka can do,” boasted Brand Soulwhip (an assumed name, no doubt), of the Cardimon's
Gulch chapter of the Sarcophka faith. “There’s only room on North Point for one Lord of Tyranny. Scaxathrom and Illuthiel will have to just pack their bags! Sarcophka has awakened, and he’s hungry for human flesh and thirsty for souls!”
The murder spree that started last month in West Point reigns unabated, as the seventh mutilated body of a casino dealer is discovered in a garbage container. “We know it’s the work of just one person, probably a man,” said Constable Reg Lequette of Umberly, where the latest victim was found. “But this criminal leaved damned little clues other than the stainless
steel poker cards. He did make one mistake, however -- we found a thumb print on the latest card, proving that the killer isn’t infallible.” The Constable’s profiler indicates that the criminal is most likely a Human or Elven male, middle aged, and has likely lost a lot of money at the gambling tables. “We’re sending the thumb print to WestPol to see if any other town has ever arrested him before.”
Chan Industries and Count P’Tofi Coffee announced today that they are launching a test joint-venture for their respective services. “As the producer of the world’s  finest coffee and scones, I’m happy to find out of the ChanMart stores will be a viable outlet for my wares,” the mysterious Northern Count said. “There’s been big demand in some of my stores for quality beverages and snacks,” Deros Chan added. “And life’s too short for bad coffee and stale pastries!” Count P’Tofi Coffee is currently available in the Saboo ChanMart and will expand to other locations if the trial market proves successful. Count P’Tofi, a former
Scaxathromite Nexus, came to West Point to evade Scyral Tekka’s assassins who sought his demise after he publicly renounced the Scaxathrom faith when he converted to worshipping the True One.
The standoff in Awari entered its third week today as the Admiral’s most powerful Mathematicians failed to break the geometric force barriers dividing the financial district from the rest of town. “This is getting to be a real problem,” said a spokesman for the Admiral. “All the banks are downtown and the citizens can’t cash their paycheques!” Financial analysts agree that free commerce must somehow be restored if Awari is to avoid being plunged into a deep economic recession. The bond rating for Awari
City-State Bank and First EastPoint Bank have plunged to “junk” status in the past three weeks. “We’re not beaten yet,” the spokesman promised. “The Admiral is far from running out of ideas. We will be rid of the Banker and his financial tyranny!”
In related news, the Calamarian Sisterhood detonated a Forced Charge Explosive in the small fishing village of Li Han (East Point), killing 113 civilians and destroying the town’s only factory -- Li Han Canning. “We want the 100 Platinum Pieces for return of the Neutron Bomb we stole,” a masked representative of the terrorist organisation demanded. “If we don’t get the money by next week, we’re going to use something a lot more powerful than a FCE.” She then added, “Viva Hate!”
The opening shot of the Ex-Libris war didn’t come from a gun, but rather a briefcase, as Law Twisters representing Flesh & Blood First launched a lawsuit against the Ex-Libris Library Services for “wrongful death” of 350 FBF footsoldiers. “We believe the the Library owes the families and widows something for the freedom fighters’ unfortunate deaths at the hands of Lord Vorani Bleakstone.” To this, the Purple Librarian rebutted, “Lemme get this straight: Flesh & Blood First joins with our enemy in attempt to kill us; our enemy betrays them and converts the terror troops into zombies. And this is our fault? Their Law Twister must be using some new definition of ‘liability’ for which I am unaware!”
While Librarian Deckard Cain announced that he believes he has figured out the purpose of the mystery device that Bleakstone’s troops are attempting to assemble. “It looks like it will have some kind of effect on time -- possibly allowing his troops to attack faster or with greater frequency,” the world-travelling scholar theorised. “If so, it must be destroyed before Bleakstone can activate it, lest Ex-Libris be in even greater danger than it already is!”
In other war news, the hundred-foot-high battle-skeleton has arrived at the front line. “You non-noble lifeforms are doomed,” it announced in a booming voice that could be heard a mile away. “Submit yourselves to Undead conversion and Lord Vorani Bleakstone will assure that the process will be only minimally painful! Obey now, for your life as living beings is about to end!” The 8-story-high fighter drone then tilted its skull back and laughed menacingly. “Gimme a break!” Black Librarian Illuvatar
exclaimed. “It’s bad enough we’re faced with killing another super-Construct -- but why does it have to be a bad actor too?!”
In lighter news, the High Tech Times dinner theatre and Chan’s Chances casino reopened today following the completion of the District 7 reconstruction project. The Dealer is expected to pay a visit to the new casino for the grand reopening gala. Also reopening in District 7 is Mitre’s Hardware Store, D7 Clinic & Pharmacy, Kites & Things, Pablo’s Pub, Cheapskate Inn, Mort’s Musical Instruments, and the Create-a-Creature toy shop. Everything in the district is 15% off for this weekend only! Grey
Librarian Roal Grinderhaus will be the Master of Ceremony for the district-wide celebration which begins at sunset tonight! So start shopping and have fun!
Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!
Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the Final Lesson to the lawless!
Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a smuggling license? Look no further!
Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy Green!
Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe? Grey is the Way!
Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and wisdom beyond our city gates!
Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending us from law breakers.
Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of Knowledge!
Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn’t run!
White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your search here!
Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!