The Ex-Libris Gazette

Volume 48. Edition 36

Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!

Available by Whirligig!


Environmentalist Corgley McDugal was found brutally murdered in his home this morning, reports the Sheriff of Greco’s Gulch. “We didn’t really know him that well,” Sheriff Cornelius Longshadow said. “We’d heard a few rumours that someone put a hefty price on his head, so I sent a couple of deputies out to check up on him. Unfortunately, what they found was a fire-gutted home and a dead Ranger that had been practically torn limb-from-limb. Someone must have really wanted him dead!” McDugal was an outspoken proponent of converting the Deadwoods back into arable land, and had several research projects in progress at his home. “We found several hybrid strains of wheat and corn that seemed to be at least getting-by, despite the extremely poor soil quality found in the Deadwoods,” Longshadow added. The crime appears to be a motiveless murder, as the
Ranger had no known enemies, despite the death-contract price on his head.
Scaxathromite secret police rounded up several dozen suspected “traitors” today in preparation for the annual holiday of Traitormass, in which those disloyal to the faith are beaten, stabbed, drained of all blood, reanimated as Undead, and sent out into the streets and countryside to cause as much mayhem as possible until they are destroyed. “With this new upstart, Ariel Yaska, and her false goddess, Scorganna, there’s no shortage of traitors,” Scyral Tekka gloated, then laughed evilly. The
sacrificial traitors are set to be converted into Undeath at sunset tonight, following a ritual beating and exsanguinations in front of the main Scaxathrom cathedral in Wren’s Forge (NP).
In lighter news, the 23rd annual Pickle Festival begins in Touchstone (NP) this weekend. “People think you have to bring pickled cucumbers,” Mayor Able McFarlan explained. “But we’ve had entries for pickled ginger, pickled eggs, pickled beets, pickled onions. . . you name it! The Pickle Festival runs all weekend, and the grand prize this year is a trophy and a  two hundred pound pumpkin -- that’s fifty pounds more than last year!” While local Wayfinder Gregor Borshakov has won 20 of the past 23 contests, rumour has it that famed diner entrepreneur Bev Lexington will be submitting a gargantuan jar of pickled tomatoes that could rival Borshakov’s best.
The Western Fleet safely docked in Paru (WP) today, just in time for Ex-Libris to declare victory over the Bleakstone army. “While we had originally earmarked our troops to help out our scholarly friends,” the Trelain Clan Leader said, “we’re just as happy to see that the Librarians could solve their problems without our help.” The Clan Armies were all rewarded with three weeks paid leave, after which they are next charged with getting the highwayman problem in check. “The highway robbers will
feel the pain of justice in the form of steel blades through their guts,” War Leader Mikal Hellion promised with usual bravado. “And then, when the highwaymen are destroyed, we shall stand over their burning encampments and revel over the destruction of their machinations and the lamentation of their women!”
The Six Day War for Ex-Libris officially ended at dawn this morning when Black Librarian DeSoto’s combat unit valiantly repelled Lord Bleakstone’s command unit beyond the range of the Undead Noble’s foul necromancy. “It was just dumb luck that we figured out which unit he was a part of,” DeSoto said humbly. “But DAMN it feels good to guess right once in a while!”
The funeral services for the Librarians who bravely fell in battle will be held this Saturday, with the commemorations and remembrances being held at Valedictorian Park, and the burials will be (at the families’ choosing) either at the Hill of Heroes or at local church plots. Those killed in the Six Day War all received the Black Scroll of Sacrifice, posthumously. “We will read every name on Saturday,” the Purple Librarian promised, “and those names shall be etched into a magnificent memorial statue which shall be erected in the Hill of Heroes.”
The six non-sentient demolition Constructs left behind during Lord Bleakstone’s hasty retreat were granted amnesty by the Librarian Council. “These machines have minds that are much too simple for them to understand the evil the Baron asked them to do,” White Librarian Deckard Cain said. “We can give these machines new programming so that they can fulfil their
design function in peace.” The demolition drones include two wrecking ball towers, three steam rollers, and a backhoe.
Indigo Librarian Maggy Rockaby reports that the remnant of the Bleakstone army failed to destroy their second objective -- that being the partially restored Tower of Glyph. “The Tower Spirits remembered Bleakstone, that’s for sure!” Librarian Rockaby said. “The shadow Black Librarian hurled spectral rifle fire that really packed a punch!” Thanks also go to Min Delrey and Cactus Jack, who sent light-emitting sunflowers and giant scorpions after the retreating skeleton forces.
Finally, in a piece of non-war news, Blue Librarian Fionna McDaniels wishes to remind all merchants that it’s time once again to renew your smuggling licenses! That’s right! The 10 CP licensing fee for smuggling illegal goods can be paid in person at the Blue Librarian ticketing desk on the sixth floor of the Great Library, or you can attach a letter of credit in a whirligig and send it to [static.building.exlibrislicensingandzoning.renewals].
Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!
Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the Final Lesson to the lawless!
Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a smuggling license? Look no further!
Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy Green!
Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe? Grey is the Way!
Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and wisdom beyond our city gates!
Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending us from law breakers.
Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of Knowledge!
Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn’t run!
White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your search here!
Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!