The Ex-Libris Gazette
Volume 48. Edition 36
Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!
Available by Whirligig!
Environmentalist Corgley McDugal was found brutally murdered in his home this
morning, reports the Sheriff of Greco’s Gulch. “We didn’t really know him that
well,” Sheriff Cornelius Longshadow said. “We’d heard a few rumours that
someone put a hefty price on his head, so I sent a couple of deputies out to
check up on him. Unfortunately, what they found was a fire-gutted home and a
dead Ranger that had been practically torn limb-from-limb. Someone must have
really wanted him dead!” McDugal was an outspoken proponent of converting the
Deadwoods back into arable land, and had several research projects in progress
at his home. “We found several hybrid strains of wheat and corn that seemed to
be at least getting-by, despite the extremely poor soil quality found in the
Deadwoods,” Longshadow added. The crime appears to be a motiveless murder, as
Ranger had no known enemies, despite the death-contract price on his head.
Scaxathromite secret police rounded up several dozen suspected “traitors”
today in preparation for the annual holiday of Traitormass, in which those
disloyal to the faith are beaten, stabbed, drained of all blood, reanimated as
Undead, and sent out into the streets and countryside to cause as much mayhem
as possible until they are destroyed. “With this new upstart, Ariel Yaska, and
her false goddess, Scorganna, there’s no shortage of traitors,” Scyral Tekka
gloated, then laughed evilly. The
sacrificial traitors are set to be converted into Undeath at sunset tonight,
following a ritual beating and exsanguinations in front of the main Scaxathrom
cathedral in Wren’s Forge (NP).
In lighter news, the 23rd annual Pickle Festival begins in Touchstone (NP)
this weekend. “People think you have to bring pickled cucumbers,” Mayor Able
McFarlan explained. “But we’ve had entries for pickled ginger, pickled eggs,
pickled beets, pickled onions. . . you name it! The Pickle Festival runs all
weekend, and the grand prize this year is a trophy and a two hundred
pound pumpkin -- that’s fifty pounds more than last year!” While local
Wayfinder Gregor Borshakov has won 20 of the past 23 contests, rumour has it
that famed diner entrepreneur Bev Lexington will be submitting a gargantuan
jar of pickled tomatoes that could rival Borshakov’s best.
The Western Fleet safely docked in Paru (WP) today, just in time for Ex-Libris
to declare victory over the Bleakstone army. “While we had originally
earmarked our troops to help out our scholarly friends,” the Trelain Clan
Leader said, “we’re just as happy to see that the Librarians could solve their
problems without our help.” The Clan Armies were all rewarded with three weeks
paid leave, after which they are next charged with getting the highwayman
problem in check. “The highway robbers will
feel the pain of justice in the form of steel blades through their guts,” War
Leader Mikal Hellion promised with usual bravado. “And then, when the
highwaymen are destroyed, we shall stand over their burning encampments and
revel over the destruction of their machinations and the lamentation of their
The Six Day War for Ex-Libris officially ended at dawn this morning when Black
Librarian DeSoto’s combat unit valiantly repelled Lord Bleakstone’s command
unit beyond the range of the Undead Noble’s foul necromancy. “It was just dumb
luck that we figured out which unit he was a part of,” DeSoto said humbly.
“But DAMN it feels good to guess right once in a while!”
The funeral services for the Librarians who bravely fell in battle will be
held this Saturday, with the commemorations and remembrances being held at
Valedictorian Park, and the burials will be (at the families’ choosing) either
at the Hill of Heroes or at local church plots. Those killed in the Six Day
War all received the Black Scroll of Sacrifice, posthumously. “We will read
every name on Saturday,” the Purple Librarian promised, “and those names shall
be etched into a magnificent memorial statue which shall be erected in the
Hill of Heroes.”
The six non-sentient demolition Constructs left behind during Lord
Bleakstone’s hasty retreat were granted amnesty by the Librarian Council.
“These machines have minds that are much too simple for them to understand the
evil the Baron asked them to do,” White Librarian Deckard Cain said. “We can
give these machines new programming so that they can fulfil their
design function in peace.” The demolition drones include two wrecking ball
towers, three steam rollers, and a backhoe.
Indigo Librarian Maggy Rockaby reports that the remnant of the Bleakstone army
failed to destroy their second objective -- that being the partially restored
Tower of Glyph. “The Tower Spirits remembered Bleakstone, that’s for sure!”
Librarian Rockaby said. “The shadow Black Librarian hurled spectral rifle fire
that really packed a punch!” Thanks also go to Min Delrey and Cactus Jack, who
sent light-emitting sunflowers and giant scorpions after the retreating
Finally, in a piece of non-war news, Blue Librarian Fionna McDaniels wishes to
remind all merchants that it’s time once again to renew your smuggling
licenses! That’s right! The 10 CP licensing fee for smuggling illegal goods
can be paid in person at the Blue Librarian ticketing desk on the sixth floor
of the Great Library, or you can attach a letter of credit in a whirligig and
send it to [static.building.exlibrislicensingandzoning.renewals].
Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by
Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in
Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!
Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the
Final Lesson to the lawless!
Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a
smuggling license? Look no further!
Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy
Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe?
Grey is the Way!
Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and
wisdom beyond our city gates!
Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending
us from law breakers.
Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of
Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn’t run!
White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your
Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!