The Ex-Libris Gazette

Volume 48. Edition 41

Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!

Available by Whirligig!


The West Point Clan Council issued a travel advisory this afternoon, warning of a mysterious hotel that seems to be able to appear and disappear at will. “This ‘Hotel Cornucopia’ appears to be run by extraplaner demons that sucker guests into signing the registry, but then don’t let them check out,” the Trelaine leader explained. “If you walk into a new hotel that mirrors on the ceilings and pink campaign on ice, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit!” Several hotel escapees told of a horrifying beast that stalked the kitchen area, and of the brave cook that kept it contained but couldn’t kill it. “It was horrible,” said  Sandra Fay, an escaped hotel victim. “He stabbed it with his steely knives, but he just couldn’t kill the beast!” Other survivors include Sam Renier, from a planet called "Earth" and his wife Susan Renier.
The Mathematical wards that defended the Awari financial district suddenly collapsed this morning, allowing the Admiral’s troops entry for the first time in three months. What the seamen found, however, was a ghastly massacre. “The Banker must have known he was losing, since he ordered his Undead Samurai to disembowel the hostages,” Captain Lee Han explained. “There are bloody loops of intestines hanging out storefront windows like they were clothes lines! Humanoid viscera is spread out across the streets, and dogs are feasting on them! The flies are just buzzing, and maggots the size of a man’s hand are devouring the rotting corpses! By the Ancestors, the horror!” The Admiral officially declared the Banker as “wanted” for Crimes Against Sentient Life -- a felony punishable by death. But the exact means of killing the moneylender is at present unknown, as are his whereabouts. As our readers may remember, the Banker is one of the Twelve Great Immortals, and thus will be very hard to kill if captured.
In a related story, the Soul Vault owned by the Banker was found fully intact by Captain Lee. However, the control panel is so heavily booby-trapped that he is calling for the most experienced security experts to examine it. “It’s obvious why the Vault was left functioning,” Lee explained. “If he shut it down, all of the Undead Samurai would revert to normal humanoids. He left this damn contraption functioning so as to force us to kill his minions, and thus preventing the souls in escrow from being returned to their proper bodies.” Still, the Admiral is hopeful for a positive outcome. “I’ve ordered my men to capture, not destroy the Undead Samurai. It’s not their fault that the Banker stole their souls.”
The South Point economy took a huge turn for the better following the official reopening of Midian, the Point’s capitol city. “It’s a buyer’s market,” Matron Amethyst explained. “With all the sales of brand new homes built by the Architect and Construct Unit C7D3EE6F (of Gemfinder’s Drones & Appliances), we’ll be able to replenish the national treasury and pay our debt to the Admiral and the Clan Council.” Citizens interested in homes built in the Neoclassical style, or houses shaped like huge polyhedrons should contact Midian Reality [].
Lord Deros Chan of Chanstone’s March (formerly Bleakstone’s March) officially threw hit hat into the ring for the Orlo Recall Initiative. “I can obviously do a hell of a lot better job than Mayor Crimson,” the  tycoon of Chan Industries boasted. The recall vote, scheduled for next Monday, is expected to overwhelmingly favour removing the current Mayor, whose policy of spendthrift and personal largess has brought the city to the brink of insolvency. Currently, three contenders seek to unseat Mayor
Crimson: Stringer Argyle of Clan Bryn, Arn Blackplowman (of no official Clan), and Lord Deros Chan of Clan Arrowfall. Mayor Crimson is cited as being responsible for raising sales tax to 50%, and for instituting an illegal “income” tax where the Mayor forced citizens to pay a tax for actually earning income.
The Akalla’s Hope appears to have disappeared once again. The Purple Librarian announced today that he did get a partial message via VTTP, which said that the ship and crew were okay but were currently located on a world infested with vicious predators. “Apparently the Dimensional Anchor can’t help them because they’re not stuck in an alternate universe, but have instead been transported somewhere else in this universe,” the Purple Librarian explained.
Lord Deros Chan announced today that he is seeking civil penalties against the Ex-Libris Bank. “Whatever pip squeak told this newspaper that I was ‘up to my eyeballs in hock’ obviously hasn’t checked out my profit ratios lately!” Contrary to rumour, Lord Chan has not sought the services of Hand & Book, but rather has retained a Corporate Law Twister named Jacob Mariah.
Razorclaw’s Exotic Dance Club opened this weekend with standing room only. “Our beautiful babes packed ‘em in so well that the Orange Librarians had to break up the crowd,” Durgan Hennesy, club manager, boasted. “When Eli sees all the cash I’ve made for this place, he’ll have to give me and the girls a raise!”  Unlike Chan’s Adult Entertainment, the new dance club does not sell prostitution. “We’ve got a very strict ‘look but no touch’ policy. The boss told me that anyone who gets fresh with the babes gets thrown right out the goddamned window!”
The Tome Theatre is proud to present “Giant Shark: The Musical”, a thrilling, fast-paced drama about a fifty-foot shark that eats tourists near the picturesque seaside resort of Wren’s City. In GS:TM, the town mayor unsuccessfully to downplay the crisis, but finally relents, hiring a team of shark hunters. Will they succeed, or will they be just another nibble for this apex predator? Order your tickets today and find out!
Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!
Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the Final Lesson to the lawless!
Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a smuggling license? Look no further!
Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy Green!
Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe? Grey is the Way!
Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and wisdom beyond our city gates!
Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending us from law breakers.
Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of Knowledge!
Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn’t run!
White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your search here!
Tan: Our reservists on times of need!
Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!