The Ex-Libris Gazette
Volume 48. Edition 41
Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!
Available by Whirligig!
The West Point Clan Council issued a travel advisory this afternoon, warning
of a mysterious hotel that seems to be able to appear and disappear at will.
“This ‘Hotel Cornucopia’ appears to be run by extraplaner demons that sucker
guests into signing the registry, but then don’t let them check out,” the
Trelaine leader explained. “If you walk into a new hotel that mirrors on the
ceilings and pink campaign on ice, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit!”
Several hotel escapees told of a horrifying beast that stalked the kitchen
area, and of the brave cook that kept it contained but couldn’t kill it. “It
was horrible,” said Sandra Fay, an escaped hotel victim. “He stabbed it with
his steely knives, but he just couldn’t kill the beast!” Other survivors
include Sam Renier, from a planet called "Earth" and his wife Susan Renier.
The Mathematical wards that defended the Awari financial district suddenly
collapsed this morning, allowing the Admiral’s troops entry for the first time
in three months. What the seamen found, however, was a ghastly massacre. “The
Banker must have known he was losing, since he ordered his Undead Samurai to
disembowel the hostages,” Captain Lee Han explained. “There are bloody loops
of intestines hanging out storefront windows like they were clothes lines!
Humanoid viscera is spread out across the streets, and dogs are feasting on
them! The flies are just buzzing, and maggots the size of a man’s hand are
devouring the rotting corpses! By the Ancestors, the horror!” The Admiral
officially declared the Banker as “wanted” for Crimes Against Sentient Life --
a felony punishable by death. But the exact means of killing the moneylender
is at present unknown, as are his whereabouts. As our readers may remember,
the Banker is one of the Twelve Great Immortals, and thus will be very hard to
kill if captured.
In a related story, the Soul Vault owned by the Banker was found fully intact
by Captain Lee. However, the control panel is so heavily booby-trapped that he
is calling for the most experienced security experts to examine it. “It’s
obvious why the Vault was left functioning,” Lee explained. “If he shut it
down, all of the Undead Samurai would revert to normal humanoids. He left this
damn contraption functioning so as to force us to kill his minions, and thus
preventing the souls in escrow from being returned to their proper bodies.”
Still, the Admiral is hopeful for a positive outcome. “I’ve ordered my men to
capture, not destroy the Undead Samurai. It’s not their fault that the Banker
stole their souls.”
The South Point economy took a huge turn for the better following the official
reopening of Midian, the Point’s capitol city. “It’s a buyer’s market,” Matron
Amethyst explained. “With all the sales of brand new homes built by the
Architect and Construct Unit C7D3EE6F (of Gemfinder’s Drones & Appliances),
we’ll be able to replenish the national treasury and pay our debt to the
Admiral and the Clan Council.” Citizens interested in homes built in the
Neoclassical style, or houses shaped like huge polyhedrons should contact
Midian Reality [static.building.midianreality.info].
Lord Deros Chan of Chanstone’s March (formerly Bleakstone’s March) officially
threw hit hat into the ring for the Orlo Recall Initiative. “I can obviously
do a hell of a lot better job than Mayor Crimson,” the tycoon of Chan
Industries boasted. The recall vote, scheduled for next Monday, is expected to
overwhelmingly favour removing the current Mayor, whose policy of spendthrift
and personal largess has brought the city to the brink of insolvency.
Currently, three contenders seek to unseat Mayor
Crimson: Stringer Argyle of Clan Bryn, Arn Blackplowman (of no official Clan),
and Lord Deros Chan of Clan Arrowfall. Mayor Crimson is cited as being
responsible for raising sales tax to 50%, and for instituting an illegal
“income” tax where the Mayor forced citizens to pay a tax for actually earning
The Akalla’s Hope appears to have disappeared once again. The Purple Librarian
announced today that he did get a partial message via VTTP, which said that
the ship and crew were okay but were currently located on a world infested
with vicious predators. “Apparently the Dimensional Anchor can’t help them
because they’re not stuck in an alternate universe, but have instead been
transported somewhere else in this universe,” the Purple Librarian explained.
Lord Deros Chan announced today that he is seeking civil penalties against the
Ex-Libris Bank. “Whatever pip squeak told this newspaper that I was ‘up to my
eyeballs in hock’ obviously hasn’t checked out my profit ratios lately!”
Contrary to rumour, Lord Chan has not sought the services of Hand & Book, but
rather has retained a Corporate Law Twister named Jacob Mariah.
Razorclaw’s Exotic Dance Club opened this weekend with standing room only.
“Our beautiful babes packed ‘em in so well that the Orange Librarians had to
break up the crowd,” Durgan Hennesy, club manager, boasted. “When Eli sees all
the cash I’ve made for this place, he’ll have to give me and the girls a
raise!” Unlike Chan’s Adult Entertainment, the new dance club does not sell
prostitution. “We’ve got a very strict ‘look but no touch’ policy. The boss
told me that anyone who gets fresh with the babes gets thrown right out the
The Tome Theatre is proud to present “Giant Shark: The Musical”, a thrilling,
fast-paced drama about a fifty-foot shark that eats tourists near the
picturesque seaside resort of Wren’s City. In GS:TM, the town mayor
unsuccessfully to downplay the crisis, but finally relents, hiring a team of
shark hunters. Will they succeed, or will they be just another nibble for this
apex predator? Order your tickets today and find out!
Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by
Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in
Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!
Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the
Final Lesson to the lawless!
Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a
smuggling license? Look no further!
Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy
Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe?
Grey is the Way!
Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and
wisdom beyond our city gates!
Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending
us from law breakers.
Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of
Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn’t run!
White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your
Tan: Our reservists on times of need!
Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!