The Ex-Libris Gazette

Volume 69. Edition 42

Day 351, A.S. 521

Expounding the Truth since A.S. 421!

Available by Whirligig!

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Eli Razorclaw, general consultant for the Akallaís Hope, submitted a rechartering request to the West Point Clan Council following the talismanic destruction of the Purple Lineís March city leadership. "The Sheriff and his [expletive] deputies were [fornicating] [bovine excrement]," claimed the sharp-tongued troubleshooter. While it is unclear how Sheriff Loudenstile and his three deputies met with their fates, it is clear that the leadership has failed. "Our scouts have confirmed that crime is out of control and unemployment is steady at 51%," the Arrowfall Clan Leader confirmed. A Cross Point arrest warrant for Legolas Eyestabber, a one-time crewman of the Akallaís Hope, has been issued in connection with the deaths of the four law enforcers.

Celebrated, world-fameous secret agent, Jim Contract, successfully shut down an Eastern drug smuggling operation this week, culminating in the arrest of twelve customs agents in Wrenís Forge, NP. "That Jim Contract is one hell of a secret agent," Lord Robart Brightsky, Council President boasted. "I just wonder how much more effective heíd be if no one knew who he was!" Jim Contract was the subject of an action-packed musical entitled, "Shaken, Not Stirred".

The bizarre cult known as the Modern Nihilists failed once again to accomplish their own meaningless doom. "We just want to spread the grey news of the utter meaninglessness of life, the universe, and everything," explained spokesman Marcado Charkon (of no particular Clan). "But ultimately, to truly show the meaningless and pointlessness of sentience and life, we need to be killed in some forgettable, undignified way -- but no one wants to kill us! They just laugh instead." The cult recently visited the AkallaTech Power Plant in the misbegotten hope the Akallaís Hope crew would electrocute the group.

In related news, the AkallaTech Power Plant, officially commissioned last week, reports being ready to deliver up to 300 megajoules/hour to any town in need of supplemental power. "This is a real boon for West Point," Captain Kirby of the Akallaís Hope said. "What with most towns depending on solar, powerís been at quite a premium since the advent of the Great Spiral." The towns of Ex-Libris, Rivna, and Umberdale appear within the effective range of the power plantís sending capability. The ATPP generates electricity by bleeding kinetic energy from the Great Spiral.

 

Lord Deros Chan announced that he and Construct Akalla are once again back in business together. "While ChanAkalla Engineering never went out of business, per se, I didnít do a whole lot with it after Akalla was declared legally dead. But now that heís obviously alive, we can start manufacturing some truly interesting gadgets for general consumption," confirmed the Chan Industries founder. On the development slate are plans for a mass-produced hovercraft and a mechanical chef.

Black Librarian Illuvatar issued a mid-level security alert for this weekend. "Unfortunately, this is Thanksstealing Weekend for the Abbon Mort faithful, which means that shopkeepers can expect quite a few shoplifters, and passers-by may be the victims of cut-purses." Because of the increased threat level, Librarian Illuvatar is activating Tan Librarian units 1, 4, and 10 for this weekend.

The landship pirate Badass Browning destroyed another supply caravan headed for Ex-Libris. "You fools," Captain Browning of the landship Hellís Tractor gloated, "you petty fools! You will never stop me! I will take what I want, and what I want, I take! Ha ha ha ha ha!" The landship Hellís Tractor is a heavily armoured and weaponed contraption capable of great mayhem on the open roads. This has been the fifth caravan destroyed in as many months. The Clan Council has offered a 15 GP bounty for the capture of Badass Browning, dead or alive.

The Illuvatarís Honour Dinner Theatre is pleased to a limited engagement of "Gold Piece for the Deceased", a harrowing adventure-musical detailing the tale of three desperados seeking a pre-cataclysm war booty. The Tome Theatre is showing a three-day run of "Titan II: This Ship Canít Sink This Time!" Indeed, see the fun, ironic musical about the so-called indestructible ship that never made it out of Paru Harbour. Finally, ChanTheatre is opening its doors for the first time this weekend, and is showing a juggling spectacular. See all the best jugglers, who toss anything from apples to chainsaws! Buy tickets for all three and save 20%. See your local Blue Librarian for details and ticketing!

 

Keep track of what your Librarians can do for you! Refer to their function by Colour. And remember, friends, there's only one punishment for any crime in Ex-Libris, so behave yourself while in our Fair City!

Black: Assassins. The bravest guardians of Knowledge and Order. They teach the Final Lesson to the lawless!

Blue: Clerical Need copied made? Need theatre tickets? Need to renew a smuggling license? Look no further!

Green: Master merchant/craftsmen. Need high quality and a great warranty, buy Green!

Grey: Technical. Need a bridge built? Need a clock fixed? Got a busted pipe? Grey is the Way!

Indigo: Journeymen. These are the brave seekers of the lost knowledge and wisdom beyond our city gates!

Orange: Guards and Constables serving the Citizens of Ex-Libris and defending us from law breakers.

Purple: The Chief Librarian. All praise our Master Librarian, Lord of Knowledge!

Red: Guard/Constable Captains - The Colour that doesn't run!

White: True Librarians. Looking for a rare book, scroll, or map? Start your search here!

Tan: Our reservists on times of need!

Yellow: Students of the Ways of Colour - the Librarians of Tomorrow!